Repentance

I forgot to blog this last weekend and this is me repenting. I found that last week was very eye opening to my nuclear family circumstances. Divorce and separation have only targeted my life from outside my immediate family. My mom's parents split just before her and my dad got married. My uncle had a messy economical divorce over 5 years ago and both of my closest friends had gone through it. I wish now that I would have had this class and learned the things I learned this week when I was in middle school (and been able to understand and apply the concepts). This may be alot to wish but I feel that I could have been a great influence on my friends. I felt very useless when they would talk about the troubles they were having at home and the feelings they were having.
My best friend in middle school had a blended family and after hearing the guidelines to follow as a blended family, I see the direct negative effects of them not abiding by those guidelines. The biggest I see is the disrespect that my friend has for her step father. He is a righteous priesthood holder but she has always felt that he was there to control her. He didn't build a relationship with his step-daughter before acting as the disciplinarian.
I think that understanding the effects that can take place and the reasons why these guidelines are made can be quite helpful in our everyday lives. Even if I was going into child therapy, I could use this information to help friends and family.

This week has been jam packed with good feelings. I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me and they provide me with blessings because of their love and my obedience to the commandments. This relationship that I have with my Father in heaven is the most precious relationship I have or will have in my life. I know that my parents have helped me develop my trust and obedience to the Godhead by teaching me the basic principles of the gospel and by being examples of dedication. They loved me and provided for and taught me how to provide for myself in difficult times.
My parents loved me and that blessing has impacted my life in ways that I do not understand. As I wrote a paper on fatherhood, I was blown away by the statistics of negative effects. I know that my relationship with God and self-confidence is a direct result from the love that my dad provided in our home to each of the kids and to my mother.
We talked about the effects of a working mom on the development of a child. My mom began working my 6th grade year and I feel like I did okay. I think it would kill my mom to know that as I look back, I wish I would have had a stay at home mom. I remember me and my parents talking about her going to work and I was excited for her. I was glad that she had the awesome opportunity to go to work. I think that I was negatively affected despite my anxious attitude about the situation. I know that our relationship was affected because I didn't want to bother her after a long day at work with my insignificant day. She did everything right and I blame her for none of my choices. She was always asking and always involved but I wonder if things would have been different if she had been in the home.
I know that I will want to be in the home as I raise my children. This is a huge step for me. I have always wanted a career and have always thought that I wanted to work part time while I had kids in school. I wanted to be the super mom that could give 100% to work and excel in being a dedicated mom, wife, sister and daughter. I don't think that it is possible to give 100% work and 100% at home. The numbers don't figure.  The greatest responsibility that God will ever give me is to teach and raise his spirit children and that is where I want to put in my 100%. I was raised in the gospel and taught by wonderful, faithful parents and I would like to do the same and dare I say better.

Family Prayer

I am currently taking a Doctrines of the Gospel class and we talked about the importance of family this week. Heber J. Grant said, "I am convinced that one of the greatest things that can come into any home to cause the boys and girls in that home to grow up in a love of God, and in a love of the gospel of Jesus Christ, is to have family prayer... that they may partake of the spirit of prayer, and be in harmony, be in tune, to have the radio, so to speak, in communication with the spirit of the Lord."This quote helped me to connect the discussion I had about counsels in my family relations class. We discussed how the quorum of the 12 and the first presidency conduct their weekly meetings. First is to note that they have them weekly, on a regular basis, to show the show the lord their submission to Him in all things. Second they hold the counsel in a sacred place, the temple. They begin by telling each other how much they love and appreciate each other. How great is that?! I think that each of us can help the spirit accompany us throughout our days more by telling others how much they mean to us, especially in a family. the second thing they do is open with a prayer. Then they discuss openly with the same goal in mind, to obtain the Lord's will and the truths the Lord would have them know. Because the goal is the same, the spirit can direct them and take perceptions and help make ideas and opinions parallel. Then they pray to close the meeting and then eat chocolate or pie together. All these things help unite each of them and increase the love they feel. Even eating pie helps them to bond. However, only one of the things that they do happens twice and that is prayer. By praying, they invite the spirit and ask for guidance.
So my question is what is it about prayer that gives a uniting factor to the mix? I know that when I have known the Lord's will for me and followed that revelation, I have never felt so confident in my pursuits and with myself. Knowing that my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and the paths that I have taken helps me to feel loved. It is also so much easier to love others because of the confidence that I have been given. My unity with the Godhead is increased by my obedience to follow the personal revelation that I receive (as well as revealed commandments to the prophets). Imagine the increase of family unity when prayer is happening on a consistent basis and in a sacred place (our homes). Prayer can bring unity with the savior and each other when children understand where the revelation and blessings are coming from. I am so grateful that I was able to find these connections because of the increased testimony I have of prayer.

Responses Matter

This week in my family relations class we have talked about family crisis and the kinds that can effect a family. Looking into my own life, I have discovered the love of Christ for my family. I have a new gratitude for my parents and the way they show us to deal with things by their example. Internal and external problems can occur and depending upon how you react can have very real consequences. In the church, we are told to look to Christ for comfort in times of crisis, at least I have. What brilliant advice because by doing so I think we are simultaneously loving our family and bringing them closer rather than isolating ourselves. I am thankful that my parents are great examples of that.
Depending on the response that we give to crisis can either reduce trauma or increase it tremendously. For instance, When a child falls down and look around to see others reactions they either see whether its all okay or not. If they see that people are concerned and fearful then they will cry. However, when there is faith instead of fear there are no tears and they continue playing. While this analogy may be flawed it is a true reality that we often react in accordance with others (often leaders) reactions. If my dad can't hold it together after his mom passes away then I know that it isn't okay and things wont be the same now. Even though I have a testimony of the atonement and plan of salvation, my day to day life may have a new sense of fear. When we realize that others attitudes effect our reactions we can choose to move in a new direction, possibly a different one.
After this chapter I have come to realize that my parents have made a great example for reactions to death. We move on and move closer together as a family. I am grateful that there is sympathy and reverence for the past family members but a knowledge that they are the past. I love knowing that people who have past on can still be with us but also that our lives do not need to live where their earthy lives have ended. We need to move to the next chapters of our lives and we cannot do that if we keep rereading the past chapters.

Say or Don't Say it?

I have wondered this whole last week about whether or not vocalizing complaints is a good thing or not within a family. We discussed in my family relations class that the word "communication" is over used and misunderstood. what do we mean by communicating? is it that we are vocal with our complaints and issues or is it helping another person understand our thoughts and feelings through touch, words, and actions. My family has had a few misunderstanding over the years and not just within my immediate family but between my mom and dad's siblings as well. Pride often gets in the way of our understanding of others. Rather than focusing on the other persons view we try to mesh our view together with theirs because we can not fathom that our understanding is wrong. Or perhaps we discredit their view because it is clearly not in line with the experience that we have had. We should disregard our own interpretations of symbols and try to see their views and accept that we cannot change them. C.S. Lewis wrote a beautiful essay on how we cannot change others to help our situations better but how changing ourselves can change our situations and often others change because of that as well. The article is entitled "The trouble with X...". In the essay Lewis says:

"We must love "X‟ more; and we must learn to see ourselves as a person of exactly the same kind... And think of one's own faults instead? For there, with God's help, one can do something. Of all the awkward people in your house or job there is only one whom you can improve very much. That is the practical end at which to begin. And really, we'd better. The job has to be tackled some day: and every day we put it off will make it harder to begin...to face the fact that even if all external things went right, real happiness would still depend on the character of the people you have to live with—and that you can‟t alter their characters."

Rather than looking at others faults we should look at our own because we each have plenty that we can improve on. I like that he encourages others to fix themselves so that they can gain happiness. We do not gain happiness from our situation or setting but rather who we become. We gain happiness from within and if we can create an internal environment then we can choose to be happy. what a beautiful thing? we create our own happiness, we decide whether things are going good or if our situation is miserable. 

Knowing that we create our own happiness and cannot change others, should we speak up? should we complain about others faults when we have so many of our own that need changing? Should we point out other flaws as to improve our own happiness? (as we have established, happiness comes from within not from our setting) or should we be grateful for the internal peace that we can gain? Should we just create peace within ourselves and call it good? these are all so simplified questions. When a problem arises it takes great courage to accept the crisis and improve ourselves rather than rely on the improvement of others. 

So should we say it or not?

REAL LIFE family relations

Yesterday I drove down to Centerville, Utah because I had plans to get a hair cut (one of my favorite things in this whole wide world) and I was going to stay with my wonderful aunt vicki and uncle denis. Before I came down, I had said a prayer to have opportunities to see my family in a new light. I asked that I would make connections from my real life to ideas that I had learned in my family relations class. I asked that I would grow my already loving family relationships in something deeper. I wanted to understand my family on a deeper level, things that I hadn't known before. THAT prayer was answered in ways that I couldn't have even imagined. I have come to understand my aunt so much better. She is a talker and so open and so awesome. She has been through her own gethsemane is continuing to learn from experiences. She has become what she is because of her difficult trials. She became something so much more relatable and understandable. I hope that I have touched her with my testimony over this trip and that I will continue to do so. I hope that the role I play in my family and her life in particular will be for my better and hers as well. 

While talking to my aunt vicki, I got to share truths that I learned in both my religion class and my family relations class, truths that she could relate to. My aunt vicki lost a daughter to ovarian cancer a little over 2 years ago. Needless to say, the eternal family and after life is an element of her testimony is crucial to her faith in our heavenly father. The understanding of the post-mortal existence means that she will someday she her daughter again and understand why she died. What a blessing of peace that the atonement of christ brings! 

We talked alot about how her family has evolved and how she has evolved. We talked about her parents and their parents. We talked about trends and how we can change them. We talked about how we can  become the generation that stops doing the things that our parents did but weren't healthy. Her generation in our family has made significant strides towards spirituality and more gospel based homes. Relating it to the scriptures, we talked about how heavenly father helps us understand what things that we are doing that are wrong and need adjustment. He makes weak things become strong unto us. When we understand the trends that are hurting our families, we can help change them. I love that through my humble aunt I was able to see truths of the gospel working in a REAL way in a REAL persons life. Her understanding of my family has affected me now. I can learn from what she knows and begin to change the trends that I can still see happening in my life. 

I love that the spirit world is so close to us. Our family members that have passed have has the same struggles as us because they are literally a part of us. We share the same blood and they have passed on traits that I have to overcome, just as they did. They have overcome the internal conflicts of righteousness that I still struggle with. Who better than to help me overcome them than them? My dad has told me before that I am so much like my grandma. At first I thought it was a compliment because she is one of the most wonderful women that I have ever had as an example. However, my dad continued to tell me that I was proud and independent. When i think of my grandma those words aren't adjectives that I would classify my grandma as. The more that I have thought about that, I have come to realize that she overcame those not christ-like qualities and made something better out of herself. It is such a comfort to me to know that someone close to me that I look up to has become so much more than what she was given. She has made flowers out of cardboard. She has given me hope for change. 

In my last post, I talked about how the atonement is the change that we experience but also a healing process in which we can become whole. My grandma has made herself into a whole piece through Christ. I don't think that I could gain more hope than by looking at her life and where she has ended up. SHe is living evidence of the atonement working, as are we all. I know christ lives because I have changed and become whole. My life is not complete and I have so much more to learn but the accomplishments that I have made, which are so minimal compared to others, are evidence of my Savior's love for me because there is no way that I  could have done those things on my own. Through christ we can become what is necessary to live with him again. He changes real people in real ways. He lives!

Where he at??

Finding an eternal companion is really all about becoming an eternal companion. I have been wondering what criteria that my husband will have to have and came to the conclusion that it was useless. The real question I should be pondering is 'what am I becoming and is it what makes me ready for marriage?' There are many men that could be my husband but I need to be ready for it.

The world is finding new ways to find a mate successfully and keeping them around. For example, cohabitation, trying out a sex life before marriage, and not combining finances (ever) are all new trends in the world's singles. I wonder what mormons are really doing that differently. We are beginning to follow these worldly trends? That is so frightening. If we are dating like the world, then we will build worldly relationships. That is the last thing I want! I want an eternal marriage where we worship God together. I want to love someone like God loves me, true love. 

SO, where he at? haha Where am I at? Am I ready to build an intimate relationship with someone that is ready for marriage as well?